Thoroughly Felt Mistake

Look at me, stepping into June so anxiously and unwillingly, like I don’t want it to come. The fact is that I had screwed up.The secret is that this little annoying voice inside of me wanted to screw up all my plans and had sent me down the rabbit hole. But my mind, my poor restless mind is choking on numbers and calendar pages that I had so successfully procrastinated. No one to blame here but me either.

So, why?- I ask myself, – Why did you not want to succeed at getting somewhere you desire so much?  And here I realize that I am far from fine and calm, i am half-way done with my nails and didn’t even start on the speech of a loser, I want to cry at this inevitable truth, but wait I want to laugh too. I am radiating happiness right now, because I feel like I was given a chance to pursue my dreams, rather than a plan. Although it sounds so fantastically romantic, I still have procrastination and laziness on the way of winning my dreams. And ah, dreams, they are so vague and encompassing…

I am going to be 24, scared to death of my own in-fullfillment. I make promises to break them, I bear no faith in myself and a lust for adventure. I get by day by day only because I have glimpses of what life used to seem like, those cherished memories. I am sitting here, imagining my face and not liking what I see. My expectations were too high, I was incapable to accomplish my cloudy mission. And the question that I ask now, have I even started?

I am in the most uncreative state I have ever been, stuck in between cruel reality and cotton candy ambitions, I am lost…But I know one thing is that I am on my way, weather it is rocky road or plain vanilla, I will get to the ending I was promised, because i am me with crazy hair, sense of humour and charisma, trying to get by.
Now I have a lot of time on my hands and I hope I can devote it “to that which exists within” myself, to shake the world I belong in and make it spark outside of comfortable limits. I am starting a new page from thoroughly felt mistake, that I cannot undo. So let’s all get tea and start the summer outstandingly failing.

Smiles everywhere,
S

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