Loud Like Love (c)

Don’t ever think that you can come back – that’s the proper way of walking into the future. There’s no way of allowing yourself to even consider that I could have chosen another road or i could switch back  any second with an excuse in a pocket. Enjoying the moment doesn’t depend on financial, marital or psychological status, doesn’t depend on the day of the week, amount of alcohol last night or political belief ( of course ). It depends on ability to close your eyes, that’s it.

Sometimes it occurs to me, luckily at the beginning of the day and I feel it through, sending the agony away. And I finally get it – my power, my soul, my motivation. Despite of the traffic or other stuff adults stuff their mind with.

But the point is- Love. Where it comes from, even if it is in every day, I lack it. I miss the passion in every breath as if creating a masterpiece till the last beat of the exhausted heart, which i relentlessly try to feed off the works of other victims of creation.  When it hits, I am embarrassed and red, I feel like I see the whole world so close and it  gazes back at me. This love sends shock through my body to remind me of what life should be like.

And I remember, with every tiny breath of the fall which have already arrived to my former continent, with flashes from the past, with a sense in the air and with music attacking my routine over and over beating it up till i lose track of the whole thing called reality. I am not crazy, just over-romantic, under-dreamy, super-lovesick for things and people that used to surround me. So I am glad I can remember. I just want to be more than what I see.



Seems like today couldn’t have been better. The same CD i tore to almost nothing by playing it rather then all the rubbish that is on the waves. My hair is in a state of temporary catastrophe and I can’t do much about that. To start with, work wasn’t that much of pleasure, things weren’t mending well and it all feels like the mirror had been broken and I am trying to see what I can recognize in pieces.

Somehow, I see my life through them, through all the pieces that were fortunate to connect today. My excitement, hope and inspiration were shattered altogether to bring me down to the mood I possess now. Don’t be afraid, I am of no danger, but frustration. I’ve heard that dreams tend to broke irrelevantly of your opinion of it, especially at younger ages. And I am two-weeks of 23, feel like I’ve reached a point, that i didn’t expect, where I see myself no longer young and everything. I’ve been given opportunities to fail, plenty of them and i did.

I look at myself and I don’t like what i see: someone who is trying to please other people just to make them feel better at any cost, someone who makes the same mistakes, someone who can’t decide. I just want to find peace within myself and have no fear of waking up broken.

Food of Thought

I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I’m just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need

Radiohead – All I Need 

The thing I always was afraid of is being addicted, whether to chocolate or bad habit. That fear kept me apart from reality, which held the truth that I am addicted. I actually admit that I truly believe movies are better than books and that’s all i need: good movies and fresh air to start a new life today, a life  which I didn’t know in the morning before breakfast. And now I look at myself, a liar who didn’t want to admit that her life is about and because of features. I read I try so hard to not feel that, but It’s true – even if it isn’t the most intellectual thing to point out. And I love it, I adore how movies push too far I fall off the edge and no longer on the map, I love being absolutely brokenhearted because I want to be a part of that world, where you make a perfect combination of thought, persuasion, imagination, music and philosophy to become a masterpiece.

All the best things in my life happened because of the movies and for them. I see myself as a part of one, the one that depicts  all deepest  thoughts but at the same time is as silent as me.

“Trust me: It’s Paradise.

This is where the hungry come to feed.

For mine is a generation that circles the globe
in search of something we haven’t tried before –
so never refuse an invitation,
never resist the unfamiliar,
never fail to be polite,
and never outstay your welcome.
Just keep your mind open and
suck in the experience
and if it hurts
you know what?
It’s probably worth it”. ~ Richard, “The Beach”





The eventuality

I happen to be here, because of the pure pressure of my conscience. She tells things, like doing my history homework, which is not actually one, it’s a conscious decision of not living it till the last day. So when i fight procrastination, i want to write the best i can and the more inspirations enter my heart.
I feel adventurous at night just as a cat inside of me. But the routine of not letting the sleep drop to dangerously low levels puts the cat instincts to calm.

And i just want to explain, that when i get to that feeling of infinite myself, i tend to desire sharing it immediately or go ride it off me on skate. But it’s overwhelming, as if it teaches my lungs to breath and my heart to keep up, the music is born inside and the positivity is a constant swell. It’s amazing how I don’t feel like that all the time,because everything is so light right now, but I guess my heart doesn’t choose the easiest ways.

If you are to close eyes,

Don’t be scared not to wake,
You will find the greatest times,

You will learn the skill of grace.

Whether walking down the street,

Whether looking up above,

It is yours to reign and keep

Infinity that conquers hearts.
To forget and to remember,
Past is always on your map
Future is better  unaware,
Since it’s only up to us.
Therefore, begin the seeding
Spreading smiling candid charm
When the world doesn’t dare
You will hold the secret card.