It is a feeling

There is this something, that doesn’t let you go. That taste of a fresh orange all over you, that spring breeze shaking up your hair, that strange melody from the bottom of the forgotten lands.
Today we woke up by it. In awe, we try to utter a word, but it is needless. Instead the day starts on a surprise. We, together, step a foot in a new world, that have been skillfully forgotten. We gaze upon the sun and think our little ridiculous things. Together the day is warmer. But with the dark comes the time, there comes the shadows of the harmonious routine and the dream is gone.
I carry your sweetness, darling, through the coldness of the winter. With shaky hands I put you up in front the horizon and blow away imaginary kisses. If it is a year or more until I see you, very well. If it is tomorrow you will visit, I will be here. Just don’t forget the moments we shared together.
And all of you who walk into the dark, brushing off the lights of the streets and catching tears with your lips. Be brave, dreamers! The magic is coming, it is on its way to bond our glue-less hearts, even if it is just for a day.

About Grieving

The truth about me right now is that I write only when I am sad, or sappy a little. I am not sure if this is my inner mood, or my life is just f*cked up like that.

As always in the dark of the night I am sad about the fact how I had/have to separate from the people I love again and now and then. And I don’t want to go through that agony anymore. I am just TIRED. The time is not here yet, but my heart cannot help to play backwards the happy moment of meeting and turning it into the tragedy I am so exhausted to live through. I know, I know I am supposed to be feeding myself all those words of comfort about the meaning of life and relationships and how everything is happening for a reason. But we all hit the rock bottom, when the rebel heart refuses to believe in any reality and shuts down, leaving you lonely sobbing….

What I am doing right now is wrong, but I would rather share this moment in solitude, rather than be grieving together in that small bubble of time that’s left for us. It’s easier to lay it away, as a debt for the moment where I can afford myself broken. But I am here because I think it’s unfair that we are the ones who have to deal with it, both silently with enough dignity not to tell anyone. It’s unfair how again and again we get hit by that ruthless ocean of pain that carves out the marks on our foreheads and hearts. And what I want is change, to the better of course, where the price is paid through labor or mission. The reason for that is that I can excel, I can get better at anything and thus bring the dream closer and push the pain further. I guess it doesn’t make sense, but somehow it feels right. And recently, not too much felt that way.

Thoroughly Felt Mistake

Look at me, stepping into June so anxiously and unwillingly, like I don’t want it to come. The fact is that I had screwed up.The secret is that this little annoying voice inside of me wanted to screw up all my plans and had sent me down the rabbit hole. But my mind, my poor restless mind is choking on numbers and calendar pages that I had so successfully procrastinated. No one to blame here but me either.

So, why?- I ask myself, – Why did you not want to succeed at getting somewhere you desire so much?  And here I realize that I am far from fine and calm, i am half-way done with my nails and didn’t even start on the speech of a loser, I want to cry at this inevitable truth, but wait I want to laugh too. I am radiating happiness right now, because I feel like I was given a chance to pursue my dreams, rather than a plan. Although it sounds so fantastically romantic, I still have procrastination and laziness on the way of winning my dreams. And ah, dreams, they are so vague and encompassing…

I am going to be 24, scared to death of my own in-fullfillment. I make promises to break them, I bear no faith in myself and a lust for adventure. I get by day by day only because I have glimpses of what life used to seem like, those cherished memories. I am sitting here, imagining my face and not liking what I see. My expectations were too high, I was incapable to accomplish my cloudy mission. And the question that I ask now, have I even started?

I am in the most uncreative state I have ever been, stuck in between cruel reality and cotton candy ambitions, I am lost…But I know one thing is that I am on my way, weather it is rocky road or plain vanilla, I will get to the ending I was promised, because i am me with crazy hair, sense of humour and charisma, trying to get by.
Now I have a lot of time on my hands and I hope I can devote it “to that which exists within” myself, to shake the world I belong in and make it spark outside of comfortable limits. I am starting a new page from thoroughly felt mistake, that I cannot undo. So let’s all get tea and start the summer outstandingly failing.

Smiles everywhere,
S

Be Mine

Dear Life,
I am sitting here next to you in this awkward silence as if we have nothing to fill it with. I don’t feel like I know you, you don’t seem to recognize me either. And I wonder, what has happened? Where did all the magic go? Where is our friendship forever and ever? Where are our secrets, sunny moments that were shared in mutual loneliness?
I am fearful, not a word is coming into my mind to spill, not an excuse to throw, not a reason for the passed years… But I refuse to let you go, even if I cannot bare any longer your empty eyes and indifferent lines. Because I want to mend things.
I want to take you on a scary skateboard ride again and drown in your laughter, I want to be inspired by you, to take risky choices of late ice-cream and then spend the long nightly hours gazing upon the dancing stars. My only desire is to make every memory best for you and in your honor. I don’t want to regret the passing days, which fall into the unnumbered oblivion. I remember, how I lost you in a crowd of routines. They stole my senses, as I woke up and we were already out of touch.
Please, let’s make things better. Let’s play together again, only fair. So that I won’t be consumed with my duties and you won’t be fascinated with younger irresponsible and fake versions of me. I want you back, the way I deserve you, for all the hard work I had done. Because I remember the dreams you were eager to swallow, but the trails brought me away. It’s a work of your hand. Don’t forget, it’s not all my fault, since you have a darker side, even if you claim it to be your evil twin sister. I have no desire to deal with it.
I know, I’ve lost you, traded your attention for the responsibility, for fearlessness, for unpredictable pain. But you know that nothing in a world for me is brighter than your Sun, nothing is warmer than your serendipity, nothing is funnier than your sense of humor. Please, fall for me all over again.
Please, be mine, not tomorrow’s…

Image

“We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?”
Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

My second post in a row, which is sad and I am not sure how to deal with it. I want to be there for people, I want to be a good friend and share the most kindest part of me with someone i know or someone I don’t.

I am separated by three and a half years of unknowness and the ocean with my friend, who was never close to me as nobody ever was really. But it doesn’t matter since all i want is to give her a hug, the one intangible spiritual discover of magic to let her know that I was there a month ago in the same pit and honestly, I am not the same since then. But she might never know, never realize or care. That’s just how things flow with me and I can’t or don’t know how to help it.

For the cure of it, i disappear. I sleep away on the rocking cloud of serenity, conscious peace and desire. I fancy the wildest dreams alive somewhere out there, where I don’t exist. I hope, prey and beg, that the world of kindness exist and one day will cuddle me gently. To get there I experience the most. I watch frames, I read sentences, I write paragraphs, i shoot dreams and this is all I am made of. I love and admire with all my heart to never let go that little angel of happiness. So, now you know, that when I walk throw the blizzard or sleeting snow, when I fear, when I cry or fall apart, I crave too. I crave to get out and dance, making best shots I can and let it pour…

Печаль

Just when you think no more sorrow, no more bad luck or despair, it hits again in your face. It fills the deepest pores with salty burning pain and leaves you choking on the tears. And you can’t do much but cry, even though it’s painful as the vessels are dry and the heart is out of power.

I am guilty of a poor soul that didn’t make up the decisions, whose pride was overwhelming. My life puts me back on my knees, slapping my face with strong wind.

But I am not giving up on lying to myself that it in fact was a joke, that you are going to text me saying, there was a mistake and you didn’t die 40 days ago. That the message wishing a  Happy Birthday two weeks ago reached you, that the words unwritten were send over my heart.

Here I am facing another lonely battle with my heart dying of its endeavors. I am facing it, that emptiness and disbelief and gradually building the core that is stale. I don’t know if anything will bring me back. Again.

Each Time Like These

On days like these I don’t need anything, nothing at all. Out of my head, away from my body, I am sending any energy away. My spirit is gracefully collapsing in the palace of my quiet peaceful mind that doesn’t exist. My  body comes back to the wind, dancing with the street lights and the trees. My future is a poster, my present is out of this world, the past is covered with snow. If you here me signing, it’s OK, I will come back soon, just “now” is not the perfect state of being at.

My shoulders are heavy as if somebody unloving keeps pushing me down. Tears are embarrassed, lips are dry and every part of my body is out of it’s place. Where are you, Dear?

 

 

A Letter to the Universe

I know I am looking for the wrong things, I am waiting for the unknown, I can’t satisfy the desire so here throw a stone at me.

I can’t help but be tired, emotionally incapable of processing another disaster. As always it comes with friends: fear, uncertainty and sorrow, playing along on my nerves. I only have to be a wreck, but only inside because pride is fighting the last battle against them. Nothing ever seems to be going right. It’s so unfair  according to the rule book written in pact by the heart and the mind. I keep screaming and throwing things into this wall in front of me, that doesn’t let me see what’s behind, it doesn’t allow me to dream. And I crumble and cry invisibly. As if my heart of a kid been broken. But at the end of the day it all adds up to the headache, so cruel and viciously persistent, as if I need another reminder of my problems. I beg the Universe to get me out, for a moment or two. Help me fly through the streets and cities in the night,  where silence is ruling the kingdom. Where I am strong, where my loneliness is helpful and healing.

But I Do sense my dream, I vaguely see the freedom that I can no longer reach even on the tip-toes. A fidelity of walking with no shadows behind, nothing creeping over to my sunlight, my music and my mind. It’s me, smiling irresistibly, thinking of my thoughts only. I just want to take that trip real quick and come back fresh and rejuvenated. But there is no streets around I can fly over, no wind that takes the breath away and plays with it, no horizon to gaze upon…or am i simply blind?

Either way life is too good to be true, through wrestling with it and fighting with luck, I manage to love it within that single moment that  brightens up the streets I can’t see. Because in this darkness, I don’t see love and I don’t feel it. People who belong in my heart no longer excite me, impress me, bother me. That’s why I look for something I don’t know, because I am lost in this darkness, surrounded by the noisy reality of nothingness. Fortunately, I know the way out – it’s the truth in me, the belief in myself that I realize through music, my old friend iPod who has been through the roughest and darkest ages of my history.

Is it possible to miss oneself?

I need more people in my life. Positive people to adore and look up to.

Sincerely,

Me

 

 

What About Today

Something about today is so special and annoying, as if every little thing is just a prank on my tolerance. As if all the comments are meant to be spam, as if all the liquids were recycled to be spilled as if every minute wasted not spent. And I am pulling myself together with laughter and tenderness for someone’s good sense of humour and this is all that’s left for me to do. I can only enjoy my life through temporary struggle, but I don’t want to do a thing ( there’s high probability of it to end with disappointment).

The irony of my life is simple and thought-provoking, as in me choosing a class that turns out to be wrong but the only one I ever liked. It just sets the life straight on my plate, but my stomach still feels uncomfortable. It ruins the perfect uplifted me from the morning to a guzzling coffee maniac with a pretty smile.

I don’t like my teacher and it feels like It won’t change. Oh, well.

Sometimes I forget to share the good things. The dawn of which I have made a thousand continuous mental shots, thinking that all i need is to get out of the car and be there with my camera ( honestly this is what I want to be); the look is accompanied by the texture of velvet greenery and the aroma of the late summer romance. Life is full of the brightest colors before the exam.

I am glad I am here, convicted to post my ridiculousness and silliness to be never forgotten. This is where I matter, I am a matter.

Cogito ergo sum.

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