I know I am looking for the wrong things, I am waiting for the unknown, I can’t satisfy the desire so here throw a stone at me.
I can’t help but be tired, emotionally incapable of processing another disaster. As always it comes with friends: fear, uncertainty and sorrow, playing along on my nerves. I only have to be a wreck, but only inside because pride is fighting the last battle against them. Nothing ever seems to be going right. It’s so unfair according to the rule book written in pact by the heart and the mind. I keep screaming and throwing things into this wall in front of me, that doesn’t let me see what’s behind, it doesn’t allow me to dream. And I crumble and cry invisibly. As if my heart of a kid been broken. But at the end of the day it all adds up to the headache, so cruel and viciously persistent, as if I need another reminder of my problems. I beg the Universe to get me out, for a moment or two. Help me fly through the streets and cities in the night, where silence is ruling the kingdom. Where I am strong, where my loneliness is helpful and healing.
But I Do sense my dream, I vaguely see the freedom that I can no longer reach even on the tip-toes. A fidelity of walking with no shadows behind, nothing creeping over to my sunlight, my music and my mind. It’s me, smiling irresistibly, thinking of my thoughts only. I just want to take that trip real quick and come back fresh and rejuvenated. But there is no streets around I can fly over, no wind that takes the breath away and plays with it, no horizon to gaze upon…or am i simply blind?
Either way life is too good to be true, through wrestling with it and fighting with luck, I manage to love it within that single moment that brightens up the streets I can’t see. Because in this darkness, I don’t see love and I don’t feel it. People who belong in my heart no longer excite me, impress me, bother me. That’s why I look for something I don’t know, because I am lost in this darkness, surrounded by the noisy reality of nothingness. Fortunately, I know the way out – it’s the truth in me, the belief in myself that I realize through music, my old friend iPod who has been through the roughest and darkest ages of my history.
Is it possible to miss oneself?
I need more people in my life. Positive people to adore and look up to.